Seoul Brother #1

Hello friends! Let me begin by apologizing for not blogging at all throughout my pregnancy, but I guess this post is better late than never. Overall, those nine months were uneventful. I didn't have the dreaded morning sickness, I traveled to Hong Kong, Japan, and Jeju Island without much incident, and I worked up until the day I went into labor; literally going to the hospital from work when the cramping and bleeding started. Due to a significant interest in some of the more gory details of labor, delivery, and the postpartum experience, I've decided to share some of the things that your mom and most of the pregnancy books don't tell you. As one friend so eloquently put it, it's not all "rainbows and glitter".

Here are a few fun facts and suggestions on how to make things a little more tolerable starting with the last month of pregnancy:

1. Swelling happens: as if being 20-50 pounds over your regular weight isn't bad enough, there's the swelling. Your feet, ankles, hands, and any other body parts that haven't already expanded significantly will probably swell up. Those beautiful wedding bands that you love so much will no longer fit your fat fingers and be thankful for the fact that you can't reach or see your feet because you won't be able to recognize those cute, pedicured piggies anyway.

• Suggestion: In spite of how difficult it is to reach your feet, try your best to wear lace-up shoes even if it means employing the assistance of your significant other or a helpful friend. And, although it goes against logic to drink water especially when your bladder is so compressed by the weight of a fully baked "bun in the oven" that you may be wearing adult diapers just in case there's any leakage, drink as much water as you possibly can. My doctor actually recommended about 120oz a day. Lastly, don't be ashamed to ask for a foot massage once in a while. Unless you've been on bed-rest or sitting at home on your butt not doing anything at all, walking anywhere with all that extra weight on your bones entitles you to some tootsie TLC.    

2. The myth of the broken water: We've all seen movies and TV shows where a woman's water breaks at the most inconvenient and often comedic time possible, but it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, it may never break on its own. I was in labor for well over 10 hours before the doctor finally broke my water to speed things along.

• Suggestion: Don't freak out! You may experience some bleeding -- cleverly called "the bloody show" -- cramping, pooping, puking, and other lovely symptoms well before your water breaks, if it breaks on its own at all. If you're really concerned, or if your water does break, make sure to go to the hospital to get checked, especially if you test positive for Group B Strep. 

3. Privacy Laws?: Your private parts will never feel private again after you've been checked, poked, prodded, and possibly had your membranes stripped. Just when you thought they took all the blood from you that they needed when they tested for STD's, your blood type, and 100 other things that might be lurking in your blood waiting to endanger your unborn child, the nurse will stab you with a giant needle that she swears can't be any smaller, draw your blood, and leave the needle in your arm just in case you need fluids or antibiotics. Not only does it suck, it hinders your movement, and won't get removed until your doctor is sure you're totally fine and ready to be discharged.

• Suggestion: Suck it up! Turn your head when they jab the needle into your arm and get ready for a panel of people looking up and at every orifice you hold sacred at regular intervals until you get your discharge papers. Not only did I pee on a nurse during the whole catheter process, I pooped on the table while pushing out the baby right in front of the nurse, the doctor that I'd just met hours before I delivered, and my horrified husband who was dutifully holding one of my completely numb legs while I was being told to bear down. He saw the poop emerge, my hemorrhoids bulge, and of course my vagina stretch to allow a hairy little head to pop out, followed by the rest of our child's slime covered body.  

4. Give me the drugs!!: I wanted a natural child birth and had even worked out a birth plan that included my wishes to avoid medication unless it was absolutely necessary. Somewhere during the wee hours of the night, after walking the halls of the hospital in more pain than I've ever experienced in my life in a successful attempt to dilate to the point where I could officially be admitted, I verbally declared myself a complete wuss and decided it was time to get an epidural. Thankfully, I was dilated just enough to go straight into the delivery room and wait just a short time for the nurse anesthetist to come in to give me the magic back juice that numbed me from the waist down. I got some pretty good sleep after that in spite of the routine checks from an endless stream of doctors and nurses.

• Suggestion: In case you haven't realized it already, giving birth is unlike anything you've ever experienced.  Therefore, try your best to keep an open mind about things throughout the process. If you walk into this thinking that your ten page, detailed birth plan must be followed to the "T", you will probably be sorely disappointed or flat out enraged. If you need the epidural, get it! You'll have plenty of time after the baby arrives to be in some significant pain. 

5. The Power Play: About 24 hours after my contractions had started, I pushed out a 6lb 11oz baby with a lot of help from the nurse (who had to tell me when the contractions were coming because I could no longer feel them, my legs, or anything else below my waist), my loving and devoted husband (who was by my side or in every place he needed to be with me every step of the way), and the doctor (who did a great job considering it was his first delivery at that hospital, he didn't seem to know where anything was, and we'd just met that day). My labia ripped and was immediately stitched up after the baby was out and before the epidural wore off. And, I held my slimy, screaming, swollen, but beautiful baby boy in my arms as soon as he emerged (basically the only thing that happened per my instructions).

• Suggestion: Cherish those moments with your baby and your partner before the epidural wears off. Those tears of pure joy will quickly change when the numbness turns to a tingle as your legs start to wake up and your who-ha realizes it is completely traumatized by this whole ordeal. Your bladder will also revive and want to empty itself, sending you wobbling to the bathroom like the Little Mermaid getting her land legs, at which point you will wish you still had that catheter in. The sting of the pee hitting your raw lady parts is rather unpleasant, as is the feeling of trying to wipe away that pee and the blood that's been storing itself in your uterus for the last nine months. Oh yeah, it was nice not getting your period all that time, wasn't it? Well, have fun bleeding for the next few weeks to make up for that. My advice: pat, DON'T WIPE! And, if you have a shower head that comes down, rinse gently with warm water as soon as you can. I've heard about rinsing with the squirt bottle offered at some hospitals, but I can't comment on its effectiveness as I couldn't bear to shower at the hospital (only really scary part of my room). 

6. The Aftermath: So after the tinkle from Hell, I waddled back to my bed, disgusted by the fact that I just realized that most of that baby weight was still lingering and I still looked very pregnant but saggier, looked over at my adorable, sleeping baby who woke up and, with a ear piercing shriek, demanded to be fed, then changed, then fed again, then changed again, and so on and so forth on into oblivion. To add insult to injury, I had one nurse tell me my nipples were too flat to breastfeed and I had to ask another (older) nurse to help me, which entailed being milked like a prized dairy cow to get a paltry amount of colostrum to come in, to rub it under the baby's nose, and tempt him into nursing. Yeah that only kind of worked and mostly it just made my nipples really sore (great, more pain!).

• Suggestion: Don't look in a mirror or weigh yourself for a while; there's just no need to put yourself through the disappointment. Bring some of your stylish maternity clothes to wear home from the hospital and just accept the fact that you may be wearing them for a few more weeks. Accept all the help you can get from anyone who offers it, especially the nurses or lactation specialists, and if you really have your heart set on breastfeeding, don't give up until you've truly tried everything (nipple shields, feeding positions, nursing pillows, regular pillows, etc.) Oh, and FYI, baby poop at this point is meconium, which basically looks like tar and is just as difficult to clean off of baby's butt...so have fun with that.  

7. Got Milk?: Some of the best advice I got from a very good friend (you know who you are *wink*wink*) was regarding the recovery process that began when I got home. At this point, I was bleeding, wincing every time I peed, sat, or moved the wrong way, my nipples hurt, and my baby had a screech like an Irish banshee that woke me like clockwork every two hours demanding sustenance...and then it happened. Just as my friend had warned me, my milk (which according to the nurses might not come in for a week or more) suddenly came in and woke me from one of my brief evening naps. You guessed it! More pain!!

• Suggestion: Get up slowly, take a deep breath, then take a warm shower. Massage your hardening breasts as much as you possibly can and then pump or nurse until your boobs feel empty again. You also may as well get used to this feeling because every time your baby is hungry, your boobs will feel like this; and, when you go without nursing or pumping for an extended period of time, your boobs will feel like this; and, if you try to ignore this feeling, your boobs will leak until you feel like you're going to drown in your own breast milk. 

8. Coitus: Here's where my mother, mother-in-law, and other maternal-type relatives should stop reading.  Yes, there is sex after baby, but you're supposed to wait six to eight weeks (*insert teenage giggle here*). Let's just say that after trying and often failing to have sex while pregnant, we didn't really have a reason not to try to have sex afterwards. And, yes, it hurts.

• Suggestion: At the risk of sounding repetitive, suck it up! and wait the six to eight weeks especially if you ripped or were cut and stitched back together. I mean really, haven't you bled enough? Only one person will really get any pleasure out of it and, let's be honest, that person did not actually give birth. Sorry little groundhog! Get back in your hole...you've still got a couple more months of winter. Plus, there's really nothing sexy about dripping breast milk pretty much everywhere.  

Finally, for the rainbows and glitter part: Your partner will forgive you for whatever obscenities you yelled at them while your hormones were raging, they'll ice their hands after feeling your vice-like grip, they'll put Neosporin on the places where your nails dug into their skin. You will thank your partner for all of their love and support, look down at your newborn in the moments when this amazing little creature is sleeping or doing something really cute (like yawning, or staring at you while you're staring at him/her) and, although I wish I could tell you that you'll forget all the pain or trauma that you just endured, you won't; but, you will do so lovingly and without blaming this tiny babe for all the trouble they've just caused you. You will probably laugh, as I often do, at the man-sized belches and sharts that come out of such a small body. And, assuming that you weren't completely traumatized by this, you will think to yourself...maybe I can do this again...one day.

• Final suggestions: Sleep while the baby is sleeping. Accept any and all help that is offered. Enjoy being a new mom!